I’m a Butterfingers not a Baby Ruth
Some back story about an injury to my right side big toe is required. I injured my big toe (someone did) when said someone was vacuuming and ran over the aforementioned big toe. Seems this person didn’t really want to be vacuuming and was aggressively vacuuming as they and I passed by each other one day in the distant past. The aggression towards vacuuming duty lead to my toe being run over and the toenail being stripped off. I now have all my toenails, so no permanent harm was inflicted on me. If you didn’t know this was going straight to the Pot and scatological humor, you do now, so if you have a squeamish stomach take a pass.
Once upon a time, I was hankering for a chocolate fix, but instead, I decided to clean the toilets first. Already NOT a smart move on my part if I genuinely wanted to savor that chocolate after a job well done. Anyway, I get one done at lightning speed; off I go to # 2. Well. This one has a package, a gift, a Baby Ruth, and it looks stopped up. NICE!! No, really lovely. Honestly, people?! So I grab the plunger with my hands that are still damp from washing up after the last job. As I begin to position the instrument directly above the bowl. That thing slips right out of my hand like a greased pig. Kerplop!!! Great googly moogly before I know it, the foulest water on plant earth is cascading up and out of that dirty bowl like the Bellagio fountains. Ugh! Yikes! Eek!
I jump, shift, dodge, and swerve, thinking, ‘Yeah!! Go me!! Missed me!!’ but nope.!!! Got me. Got me good. On my right side big toe. Okay. I’ll clean it — — Wait a minute — — right side, big toe — — NOOOO! I can bet everyone within a 10 block area heard me. Yup! My big toe (that got run over by the vacuum about a week before this poop bath.) The one that hasn’t grown the nail back yet. The craggy sawtooth exposed-nail-bed big toe with the scraggly nail stub. Yup. That’s the one. Total freak out consumes me as I realize I have just bathed my exposed nail bed nasty looking toe in filthy ‘poop’ water!! Now how am I gonna fix this? What germs are going to grow on that and under that nail stub? Ewe! Ewe! Ewe! I reached for the Lysol but stopped myself. I used rubbing alcohol and doused it like I was gonna set it on fire!! Let it soak, and then a second dousing with vinegar was in order. I no longer craved chocolate. For days I debated on setting it on fire.
